The Four Stages of Relationships
The Four Stages of Relationships
Long-term personal relationships do not just happen. They evolve through stages. Overall, there are four. It is helpful to conceptualize them in some way to understand what happens over time. Here is a synopsis of the Four Stages.
Stage 1: Novelty
This is when we first meet someone, and the experience is new. We know little or nothing about the person and everything is fresh. In psychology, we say there is no “history.”
The interest that is sparked depends upon the nature of the relationship. Meeting a clerk in a store is novel, but likely will stay superficial, unless there are other circumstances that allow it to deepen, like repeat buying at that store, finding out the clerk is our neighbor, etc. On-going experiences with this person dulls novelty in direct proportion to the frequency of contact and the increase in familiarity. The function of novelty initially governs the range of interest and depth in all relationships, but decreases with time and exposure.
We also meet people who spawn a “personal” interest. There’s that same novelty but there’s also something different--a “plus.” They are “partner” material and so, like with most folks, some form of continued interaction ensues. This usually follows a pattern, often resulting in dating. This is usually something of a “rush.” Novelty and the “plus” drive an interaction that is more intense than with other kinds of relationships. The factors that make such a relationship more intense include, chemistry, physical or mental or emotional attractiveness, need, value, age, common circumstances and timing. These factors are very active (dynamic) and push our behaviors into directions that are not typical of other phases or other kinds of relationships.
In the beginning stages of a romantic relationship, we may talk with each other a lot more to “catch up.” This sometimes means staying up all night just to tell this special person everything there is to know about us. Or, we might want to share more current experiences with our partner, like visiting lots of restaurants or seeing every movie in town together. We present our best face and because of that probably look pretty good to our partner. This is about the time when sex enters, which, being more intense, also is very stimulating, for good or bad.
This pattern can continue for some months until a routine is established. The routine establishes itself when we “regularly” see each other. The routine could allow us to still date others, but sooner or later partners establish some form of territoriality. If not, the relationship will not progress much further. Stage 1 relationships can be quite unstable, frequented with multiple breakups and subsequent reunions. If “things” ultimately dissolve, we slow down or even stop the development of this kind of relationship. At this point we move on.
If we meet another potential partner, Stage 1 starts over. A lot of the single crowd does not progress beyond this stage because it is the most fun. They do not want to stop. Meeting and dating new people every so often maintains a higher level of excitement. Occasionally I hear, “So what if it is more superficial? It’s a lot of fun.” Some folks repeat Stage 1 over, and over. This is called “serial monogamy.”
However, what if the relationship progresses? What if there is something more? We progress to Stage 2.
Stage 2: Exclusivity
It looks like we are going to stay together and not date anyone else. The relationship has been established, and our partner bonds with us. We are now a “couple.” We have survived the first “crisis of commitment.” This happens, on average, “usually” before but not later than the sixth month in a relationship. (Some folks insist on establishing this after the second date. Stay away from these people!) Slow pokes take longer, as in long-distance relationships when visiting each other is infrequent. This extends the novelty stage. For the rest of us, the overall or average time it takes to “settle in” is about half a year. There can still be instability and breakups, but now they happen less often. Now what?
There is a routine. We see each other on regular days of the week, typically weekends and do a lot of the same kinds of things—go to movies, restaurants, and parties or less frequently, go on vacations together. The idea is that the relationship is now about the two of us. It no longer “just” focuses on me or you (sometimes) hanging out with others. It has become dependable and reliable. We are an “item.”
Ah, but from predictability, security and regularity, emerge sameness. Things settle down. To the higher-stimulation-seeking crowd, that is code for the beginning of boredom. The intensity of the experiences that occurred in Stage 1 diminishes. The novelty effect fades. While this is normal, it is something to be navigated, no, negotiated, and different people do this differently.
The relationship is beginning to look like something more permanent, so our partner and we begin to think about longer-term elements. Do we move in together? If we have not already, do we meet each other’s family? Commitment is deepening.
For most of us, the end of stage two is signaled when we decide to move in together, thus communicating our longer-term intent to stay together. This is not always the case. Some people resist co-habitating because of lots of other needs. We may not want to give up our personal things or personal space. Or, retaining our separate residences provides some insurance against failure in the relationship; meaning, we always have a place to go if… For these folks, retaining their separate homes may just be psychological, even if they have a commitment to their partner. Moving in together does not have to be “the” defining event at this stage of relationship development. It is just “the” event that most typically defines the next stage for most of us.
The time frame for this decision is usually between six-to-twelve months from when we first began “dating.” This may or may not be accompanied by an engagement. If there is no engagement, it is usually lurking in the background, which seems only natural when we move in together.
Again, there are exceptions, like when two people have already been in relationships, are divorced but just want stable companionship without marriage. These folks have arrived at the end of stage two, but have stopped short of going to the next stage. Long-term stage-two relationships are becoming more common as people live longer and wish to marry less. Theoretically, Stage 2 relationships can last forever with or without co-habitation.
These kinds of relationships are also common in the gay community when marriage, or in some states when civil ceremonies/certificates are not an option, yet the couple wishes to stay committed to each other in a more meaningful way expressed in more than just dating, or even exclusive dating. You see this also in heterosexual couples that have their lives “all set” and don’t want to change much, even though they enjoy a stable relationship with their now-defined significant other.
But most of us keep progressing through the stages. The next one is the big one.
Stage 3: Marriage
At the time of this writing, even in the gay community, marriage is now possible in some states. But when it occurs in couples of any gender preference, they have entered stage 3.
This is clearly a longer-term commitment, born of exclusivity, emergent from and triumphant over the press of novelty. We have not only identified ourselves as a couple, but a stable or longer-term one, and now we have legally declared such. We have signed the papers, crossed the “t’s” and dotted the “i’s,” all in perfect legalese. We have “done the deed,” complete with ceremony, honeymoon and… Well, sort of. At least we got married, however it occurred. Gay and lesbian folks may be able to do this legally, or they may have to so something else to represent this covenant. But the drive, stage and progress through each step can be the same.
Again, there are exceptions. If we meet each other and in a moment of passion, or say even within a month elope to Las Vegas and get married in the Church of Elvis Presley, chances are we have not really entered stage three. We are actually still in stage one and only superficially acting like we’re in stage three. (If you take a three year old and dress him in clothes high school students wear, you still have a three year old.) The fullness of time is necessary for the development of these stages.
But for most of us, marriage signals the beginning of longer-term activities and plans. We think about buying houses and different cars, starting a family and setting up Neighborhood Watch signs. We start learning about things nobody would have thought about in stage two, like how to repair sprinkler systems, how best to do spring cleaning, interior decorating and when to trim the trees on the property. Life detours into family or at least two adults that have togetherness-in-family as their main mantra. Until recently, the latter idea was the only version of this for gay couples, but within the last fifteen years, adoption, surrogates and other options have become available, so now gay couples can “have” children. Because of that, gays and lesbians now can also have all the other experiences that also come with….
Committed family or long-term committed couple life now dictates our experience. We have long since passed the novelty stage. The “narrowing of the field” behaviors (Exclusivity or no? Commitment or no?) are waning. Looming ahead is the longer life experience of living with the same person, possibly forever. This can be good, or it can be bad. Stage 3 relationships can last for the rest of our lives.
However, we all know some marriages “head south.” Divorce statistics are ominous. In California, one of two first marriages fails. You read that correctly. Half of first time marriages are not going to “go the distance.” You might think second marriages would have a greater success rate. Couples learn from their first experience. Right? WRONG! Sixty percent of second marriages in California end up in divorce. Third marriage statistics are probably worse, still. The biggest reason marriages fail is not because of “irreconcilable differences.” It is about poor communication and not dealing with the unconscious dynamics of our partners and ourselves. It has to do with lack of understanding of the dynamics that evolve over time between intimates, coupled with poor intrapersonal resources. These are the biggest reasons most relationships fail—in short, failure to deal with “process.” We do not learn from our mistakes because we do not know enough about this deeper dynamic. When the relationship fails, we have entered stage four.
Stage 4: Separation/Divorce
This is when we call it quits, move on, and probably move out. This frequently is followed by a legal separation or formal divorce. However, it is not the end of the relationship, which is why it’s called stage 4. We still relate, just very differently.
Frequently there is hostility or worse, and there is frequently the re-emergence of territoriality (who gets what and how much and for how long…). If there are children, our partner and we remain co-parents, despite being divorced.
Now the “relating” to each other is about being unique unto ourselves (separate again) but still being common in some ways with our “ex” (who forever may remain the other parent). It gets confusing and legally messy, costly and time consuming. If there are no children, we still have to deal with property, where we are going to live and whether ever again to make contact with our erstwhile partner. Most of us “don’t want to go there…” This stage can last a few months or for the rest of our lives. Some of us become bitter and resolve to never marry again. Some rebound and in a few months are back in the dating scene, in which case, Stage 1 starts anew.
Stage 4 also can end if our partner or we die, whether we are still married or not. All kinds of “adjustments” will occur if this unfortunate event occurs. Some of us will jump into another relationship too quickly. Some of us will never start another.